The Funniest Thing I've Ever Read
Ask and ye shall receive: blogger Jonathan Schwarz does my work for me and enters (it's unavailable online) a favorite article from The Onion's faux-history Our Dumb Century. Over the years, I've probably read this 30 or 40 times, and it still makes me break out in uncontrolled laughter. I'm not sure exactly what it is that makes this so funny to me, but I'm reminded that Zippy the Pinhead creator Bill Griffith once called humor "the unity of opposites," and I'm fairly sure that's on the right track...
Japan Forms Alliance With White Supremacists in Well-Thought-Out Scheme
From the East Asian Correspondent, Sept 1, 1939. -- In a course of action praised by many as "far-sighted" and "tactically brilliant," the Japanese government has sworn its allegiance to the Axis powers led by white-supremacist Nazi Germany. In a formal statement, Japanese leaders declared, "We wish to be counted among the loyal allies of this back-stabbing, racist hate nation."
Following the announcement, Japanese General and military leader Hideki Tojo told reporters, "We are pleased to enter into an alliance with the paranoid, xenophobic government of Nazi Germany. We anticipate a deeply enriching exchange of our military aid with their deep-seated hated of our non-white heritage."
Tojo went on to say that the "unbeatable team" of Germans and Japanese will one dominate the industrialized world as "Aryans and those hated by Aryans, working together."
Likening their war instincts to those of "a very advanced clan of yellow apes," German Chancellor Adolf Hitler praised the government and military of Japan.
"I salute you, chinky-dinky rat men, who have been given life by the confused hand of some long-dead pagan deity," he said. "When Germany stands victorious on a conquered Earth, and Aryan supermen wipe out the undesirable mud races one by one, your like will surely survive to be among the last to be exterminated."