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Amazin' Laser

A friend of mine forwarded to me a bit of spam offering to sell a variety of weapons from a site in Russia, including surface-to-air missiles. I suggested that perhaps the site should have a "Terrorists, please don't buy our surface-to-air missiles" notice, which of course would be an homage to one of the great Saturday Night Live fake commercials, "Amazin' Laser", broadcast in 1994 and starring Chris Elliot:

[ open on Homeowner working around his yard ]

Homeowner: Mowing. Raking. Pruning. It takes a lot of work to keep a place like this looking good. But the hard part is getting rid of all this mess -- unless you have... the Amazin' Laser, the amazing new gardening tool that vaporizes any and all matter in its path, giving your home a professionally landscaped look.

Use the Amazin' Laser on grass clippings. [ demonstrates ]

[ SUPER: "Warning: Do Not Fire Amazin' Laser At Police Officers." ]

Get rid of brushpiles and branches. [ demonstrates ]

[ SUPER: "Warning: Do Not Fire Amazin' Laser At Military Personnel." ]

And what about this 1,800-pound granite boulder? [ zaps it with the Amazin' Laser ] Gone in a minute, with Amazin' Laser.

[ SUPER: "Warning: Do Not Use Amazin' Laser When Drowsy Or On Medication." ]

How accurate is Amazin' Laser? Accurate enough to hit a man in a moving automobile, from up to 3,000 feet away! Is that accurate enough for you?

[ SUPER: "Warning: Do Not Fire Amazin' Laser At The President." ]

And Amazin' Laser won't rust or corrode like metal gardening tools, 'cause it's made out of 100 percent durable Lexon plastic. Just watch it go through this metal detector! [ walks through, no problem ]

[ SUPER: "Warning: Terrorists, Please Do Not Buy Amazin' Laser." ]

Make your yard look its best, with the Amazin' Laser! [ zaps a truckful of wood out of his yard ]

[ SUPER: "Warning: Amazin' Laser Can Be Used For Good Or Evil, Please Use Only For Good." ]

The Amazin' Laser. It's amazing!

[ SUPER: "On Second Thought, Please Do Not Buy Amazin' Laser." ]

Announcer: Amazin' Laser. Available at Walgreens and Rickel Home Centers. Ask for it by name.


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